The subtle shifts in this reality have charted a new course and opened new possibilities.
The gift of space and time was given by the departure of the other beings here who were in acceptance of the energy that called them home so that I would be invited into this room. Able to unpack and expand, draw, and sleep like a starfish. I accepted the invitation of the medicine. She has aligned things in such a way that I can hardly believe what has transpired.
This beautiful gift was unexpected and as I unpacked my suitcase I began to sob, overcome with gratitude, my heart pouring out the love that I felt surrounding me as she ensured my arrival this night when two others were supposed to be here for 7 more days. Into this space that feels like home, I was "here" in a matter of moments and feeling the sweet, subtle call of the medicine.
I knew it would be only a short day and a long night between us, nearing winter solstice. Time passed, perfectly as it does, with the hour of our connection upon us as though it was here all along. My gentle whispers and prayers spoke softly as I held her in my hand and heart. My requests reverberate through the invisible air that connects us to bring forth the healing and teachings she so graciously shares.
My preparation feeling more like simply existing came with ease and grace, with a last warm shower to cleanse the salt from my skin before it was time to begin. I chanted the phrase "I am..." as a reminder to arrive in mind as I had done in body. Slight nerves coming to the surface as they do in anticipation of not knowing, and I momentarily found a challenge in my presence. The water suddenly ran cold for the rest of my shower, and served as a brisk call to the here and now moment, grabbing my full attention while I laughed and thanked her for the refreshing plunge back into the present reality. The next day we would find that this was an anomaly, because the propane heated instant water tank should have provided an endless supply of hot water!
Sitting, settled into the soft embrace of fabric selected for the occasion, I held her once more in my hand before sipping and further spoke my truth. Then, with gentle, loving kindness, she began - pungent, sweet, powerful.
I felt her medicine course through my entire body and in a single instant I sensed her entering my mind and my memories, as she wove together the experience that it must be to be me.
The entrance was subtle, and could have possibly gone unnoticed. I found myself in a silent space. Dark and absent of any presence of sound or light, it was completely peaceful. After a few moments I realized it resembled a cave; my cave. My quieted existence as the observer. I had never experienced this before; the calm, the stillness, the awareness that I am here and my thoughts are out there; waiting patiently and obeying my direction. I wrapped my arms around my mind and the medicine spoke to her...
“I can sense your fear, and until I appear, I cannot make it disappear. It is the unknown, unseen, unheard of, that spins an illusion to keep the comfort of knowing near. “
Sensing my entire presence inside of this sacred cave I felt free of distraction and noise. It became obvious the moment my mind ventured into innocent thoughts created by a cycle perpetuated by fear, and it was far less effort than ever before to bring myself back to the cave and quiet my mind. She spoke tenderly to my mind once more: “My dear, once we meet and explore the world together, it becomes clear, there is nothing to fear.”
For an instant I wondered if this was all that would transpire. I felt acceptance and peace alone here. Then the medicine flowed in and brought me far out into a cosmic expanse, a classroom among the stars where we would have room to work. All my wounds were slowly explored and spread out like a map of my mind unfolding, linked with synaptic connections through this and other lifetimes, woven through each moment they affected in this timeline and suddenly I could see the network of experiences linked together. A genius visual explanation of the way memory affects my mental state through every time and space location, all the moments touched by pain and dissociation.
Each trauma unraveled and opened into a multi-dimensional puzzle in every direction through places and spaces that connect in ways we cannot fathom with our minds but can see with our hearts. A fuse lit and with a flash of light, and the medicine ignited and worked her way through the pain and suffering I had experienced in each instance, and the wound healed. There was much she didn’t show me, comforting me in knowing I did not need to see again what brought me past pain. Then I was given a deep breath of the medicine and a stunning display of dazzling golden light, prisms and portals spinning in geometric perfection with no beginning or end; beauty beyond words would dance before me and all around each time we completed a cycle of this deep healing. We worked together in this harmonious exchange of pain releasing into light and each time my body felt lighter, free of the hurt that existed in places unseen. Then she would ask, what next?
Her presence was strong, though it could have easily gone untapped - this was one of the lessons of working together. The more I was able to understand how our dance was unfolding, the deeper we would go. The silent, empty cavern of my mind space, free of words, and even the sounds of the night disappeared as I entered the cave of clarity. This was to be my resting place for re-centering, quieting and grounding. When I saw my thoughts excited and stray, drawing multiple storylines in all directions, causing my attention to be called down each path away from the calm center, I would call my mind back to the silent sphere inside myself and it would be quiet once more. Upon understanding this connection and my ability to return to the cave of peace and stillness, my gift this time was a star-filled sky that surrounded me in every direction; the energy shift rolling through my body as I felt myself in a distant place, my soul exploring cosmic space.
I felt her ask me to let go; the body is heavy, and we can go further if we release our tie... but without hesitation, I said I was to remain with my feet on the ground and my head in the sky.
There was another sip available if I decided to go deeper. Instead, I felt drawn to work on our subtle connection, seeing how deeply I could go within the meditation, without the influence of more medicinal libation. The next night would invite further exploration - of the reaches of our co creation and unfold the next level of awareness in our ecstatic state of Oneness.
I woke up to a deeply felt truth. My heart opened and beat a rhythm louder than before, healed and expanded beyond this lifetime; and I felt love on a level I have never known. A self love that reverberated throughout my being, flowing and allowing love in, allowed in because so much was now radiating out. A smile forming and tears pouring out. A feeling of deep bliss, my soul kissed. Wounds from this lifetime and others, ancestral wounds that have followed my lineage, and wove invisibly through time now healed. Trauma and pain that kept me from the truest essence of self-love... released.